The Voices Inside My Head Make Me Tired




I'm recently in from a morning spent with my boys, them running a 1Km race, prior to us all manning the water table for a 5K race, which with the gale force wind, flimsy cups and lack of manpower was a job that required all of our combined physical, mental and emotional energy.

There was the running for miles after the dropped cups as the wind tossed them across county lines. There was the figuring out of what within our nearby van could possibly secure the flimsy water filled cups onto the (downward sloping) table against the power of the raging wind.

There was the stress of trying to fill the cups up and pass them out to dozens of people at a time, without them breaking a stride while the wind blew the water out of the cups and the cups out of our hands. At one point we thought we'd run out of water, and as we saw crowds of sweaty red faced angry looking people surging toward us we felt fear. Raw fear. And I bet they could smell our fear. I bet the wind carried it into their flared nostrils and they became even more enraged.

Thankfully the water held out and my ten year old figured out a way to keep the cups on the table and my eight year old is a fast and willing runner after-er of cups, and the one young woman who showed up has asturdy thumb (for the pressing of the spigot). We survived.

But still...I feel as beat up as if I had run the race twice. You just don't understand the pressure, people. You can't. Nobody will ever really know what we went through. But at least we have each other.

Speaking of energy expenditure.

I realized yesterday that exercise is far more taxing on me mentally then physically. Yesterday, it was a cool and windy yet mostly sunny day so I decided to go for a run outside after dropping Finny at preschool. But the decision wasn't easily made. As I drove home I went back and forth...

Angel on my shoulder: You really need to go for a run when you get home
Devil: No you don't. You need to take a nap, or sit on the couch and stare at the wall. Running is about the worst idea I can think of.
Angel: No really, it will be good for you and just think how good you will feel when it's done
Devil: That's assuming you survive. I don't have a good feeling about you running today. I think it's better if you just stay home, you can run tomorrow
Angel: Truly, you will feel like a million bucks when you are done.
Devil: You'll feel like crap the entire time you are doing it though
Angel: No you won't, and besides you are only running like..three miles, you'll be back on the couch within half an hour. This is not a big deal!
Devil: It is a big deal! It is! It is likely to be painful and boring. And remember how long every minute seemed last time you went for a run? I bet it is even worse today
Angel: Nonsense! You are just that much better conditioned today, it just gets easier and easier. And you'll be out in nature.
Devil: Nature wants to kill you. Did you see that wind? Running against it is going to be like pushing a freight train
Angel: Unless the wind is at your back! Just think how a wind like that will propel you forward!
Devil: You and I both know the wind is never at your back.
Angel: Oh for heavens sake...
Devil: Remember that horrible ear-ache you got from running in the wind yesterday? Dude, that was excruciating.
Angel: Well it's not as cold today..
Devil: Whatever goodie two shoes, I give up. If you want to go out and do something totally irrational and painful when you could be sitting cozy and comfy and undisturbed on the couch eating caramel swirled ice cream and watching reruns of the Real Housewives of New York go at each other, be my guest. Freak.
Angel: You are a bad, bad devil. Get thee behind me
Devil: Sure, no problem you are on your own.

Conversation recommences as I leave my home:

Maybe you should walk to the trail, you know, to warm up
Yes but then it won't be a full 3 mile RUN
Maybe you should just shut up for change!
I'm just saying.. Oh look! There's the marker that says you've run half a mile already. Way to go! That's so far, you're practically there!
Whatever. Whenever you see that marker on the way back you tell yourself that it means you are almost home
But still...

The voices went on and on like this (can you tell why I get so tired?) And because I was running into *&(#^ wind which did feel akin to pushing against a freight train, "oh but it will be at your back coming back" (Actually it wasn't, it was blowing me from the side but anyway..) anyway apart from the fatigue from being buffeted by the wind and the voices in my head the wind also quickly dehydrated me completely. Because it was a cool day I had not thought to drink much before leaving and had brought no water with me. About a mile and a half in, I was in trouble. My mouth was so dry that it turned inside out. It did! Do you know how hard it is to breathe or think or exist with an inside out mouth?! Do you? I started gazing longingly at standing muddy water in the creek next to me.....
you should just drink some, if you get a stomach bug you won't die, you'll just lose a few lbs. Awesome.
No! Don't drink it! You can survive, this is not a marathon for heavens sake. Don't be such a wimp.
YOUR MOUTH HAS NEVER FELT SO DRY. Never. Not while running a half marathon on a dusty hill in Africa on a 105 degree day. NEVER. BEFORE! You might die. Really. You should drink the dirty water. What would that guy on the Discovery channel do? He would probably wait, or sieve the water through his shirt... Don't be an idiot, you're not taking off your shirt.
Ok here's a plan, find a succulent looking plant and eat it..

So I pulled out a clump of grass and started chewing on it. There I was, red faced with an inside out mouth eating grass like a cow. Thankfully, I was very much alone. It felt about as moist as sawdust. But in a minute or two..lo and behold salivary glands reanimated..spit forming, mouth slowly turned right side in again. I should have my own Discovery Channel Survival Show!!
Ok well just walk the rest of the way home now. You've been through enough.
No don't. Just run, you'll get home faster and that is what you have set out to do.
I hate you, Do you know that? I really hate you.
You don't mean that
I so completely do. This sucks, never ever do it again and as soon as we get home you need to cross that ridiculous 1/2 marathon off the calendar. It will suck too.
No it won't! It will be fun. And think of the sense of accomplishment..
Shut up, idiot
You shut up.

They both shut up. Or I blacked out, not sure.
I got home
I drank a gallon of water without taking a breath(I only peed again like 12 hours later)

I went and took a shower
There now, aren't you so happy you chose to do that? Don't you feel a glow of health and virtue?
Yes, yes it's fantastic...now about those Snickers ice cream bars in the freezer..don't you think you earned one? Or two? I say three......

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9 comments:

Mrs. M said...

Hee Hee Hee...I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who ends up trying to talk themselves out of exercise. Good for you for not giving in...I often end up on the sofa.

carma said...

Lots of complex voices! I'm hoping you had the Snickers after all that fiasco!

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Glad you enjoyed the "cheesiness"

carma :-)

Aunt LoLo said...

bwahahaha..I think your devil has been two-timing you. I SWEAR I've got the same one on my shoulder!

Shady Creek Lane said...

Great post. I am just popping on in from SITS to say hello.

You know, I seem to have that struggle with exercise everyday.

Hugs,
Connie

jena said...

I think you described my exercise life completely... and how I feel about cleaning my kitchen. Oy

The Sayer Family said...

I love reading your blog Kirsty! I get those same voices in my head all the time! (glad to know I am not the only one!)

iheartbowheads.blogspot.com said...

Hey now - I thought I was the only one with those voices in my head! :)

nyn said...

Love it...completely understand the exhaustion from the voices, they are in my head too.. way to keep them both in check, I could use some of that mediation technique.

Tooj said...

It's a perfectly NORMAL experience to have these two talking to each other throughout a run. :) I'm happy to hear they visited you AND you completed the run. I don't typically call myself an angel or consider myself anywhere near one most days, but in this case...I side with blue. I hope you felt great in the days that followed!