I Am Cold: An Open Letter to Mother Nature re: Annual Spring Fake-Out


I am cold
I am cold
If I may be so bold
WHY THE{bleep}AM I COLD
still in May?

I shiver, I quiver
I jump up and down
Being so cold still in May
Makes me frown

Every soccer game
Or picnic
Or gathering outside
Sees me blue in the lips and with goose-flesh
My paper plate blows away- in the mud it gets stuck
I've been cold since October
And it sucks

I am done! I am done!
I am done with this cold!
Go away freaking cold
I am DONE!
If you don't get lost now
I am taking a bow
Grabbing some sunscreen
And going on the run

To a nice warm clime
Where you can have a good time
Be you inside or outside or both
You don't have to freeze to the core
Each time you walk out the door
I want to lie in the sun by the coast


It's a lie!
It's a joke!
It's misleading I say!
"It'll be warm! Don't worry! Just wait 'til May!"
"April Showers bring May's Flowers"
Folks it just 'aint true, it hasn't turned out that way
April Showers just Bring May Showers
Oh, Crappy Weather!
Won't you please go away?

I am sick of the wind
I am sick of the clouds
I am sick of wearing this hideous blue sweater!
It is big, old and bulky
And it makes me feel sulky
I am sick of this endless cold
Weather

Please don't say
Hey! It's fantastic! It's 60 degrees!
It might as well be -3 to me
If it's not over 70
I'm freezing to death
When it's this so called "60"
I can practically see my own breath

Why do I live in Ohio?
Why! Tell me please?
I was clearly not meant for this place
If you know of a job in South Africa or Down Under
Let me know, 'cos that is my kind of space.

Cold and dreary, you make me weary
Wind and rain you're a drain
Give it up now, give up please!
I'm ready to sweat and dodge bees
Mother Nature, it's not nice to tease

Mother Nature, take your meds!
And I promise I'll take back what I've said
About you being crazy, unstable and mean
C'mon give it up, we can start over clean!
Let's put all this ugliness to bed

So whaddaya say?
Consistent sun? Hold the wind?
Keep the rain showers short and sweet?
I know! Let's pretend it is summer! That would be such a treat!
'Cos stuff like today? Quite frankly?
is just an incredible bummer

*PS when this poem was written 5 minutes ago, I was just in from a very cold/windy/rainy (but otherwise delightful) session on the soccer field sidelines. The sun is now blazing in azure blue skies. Either I'm super persuasive or she's just trying to make ME look crazy.


UPDATE: There is a frost warning tonight.........

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6 comments:

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

I would really get a zing,
Out of some Global Warming!

I'm with you, sista!!

Janet said...

LOL...I hear ya. Where is Spring? The Man and I began discussing a move to a coastal area sometime in the next few years. He's already made a call to one of his friends who works as a recruiter about job openings. Time to escape the cold, I say!

Samantha said...

From just the title and photo, I got the point :-) But the poem is lovely (as all your poems are) and I hope it did the trick with Mother Nature.

Devon said...

LOL, girl, come down here! I can't stand the heat (though you might be better off up there--the humidity here is biblical...)

Tooj said...

"Please don't say
Hey! It's fantastic! It's 60 degrees!
It might as well be -3 to me
If it's not over 70
I'm freezing to death
When it's this so called "60"
I can practically see my own breath"

These are my sentiments exactly. It's been this way further west, in the "midwest" and I detest it. Severely. And even if the clouds shift and the skies become blue, it doesn't always make the 60 degrees go away. Blah to October through May!

Anonymous said...

You are such a poet,
I hope you really know it.
Seems wrong indeed that down in the South,
We are feeling the breath of Winter's cold mouth,
And you in the North should be sunny and happy,
Instead having cold,
That really is crappy.
Come home, come home, I would so happy be,
Come lie next to the pool,
Just you and me!