September 29, 2007

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like one day they are going to be exposed for the fraud that they are, in most areas but particularly as a parent and a grown up?
Often I feel as though I'm just pretending to be a grown-up, pretending to be a mom, playing house, talking about insurance and school curriculums and such. Like I'm doing all this stuff that moms aresupposed to do but everyone else is in fact the REAL grown up, I'm just the kid pretending to be grown up?
So I wonder, does anyone else feel this way? I feel more or less the same in many ways as I did when I was 17, except now I have this house and these kids and this husband..and it's all very fun and cool (well, most of the time) but it is often really still very surreal. Sometimes I will be walking in the store with all my kids and one of them will say "Mommy..." and inside I am going, "omigosh, I'm the mommy! I am this child's mommy. THEY THINK I AM THEIR MOMMY!! Poor poor kids, they need a grown up as a mommy, a real mommy!"  But outwardly I'm saying, "yes honey?" in a very mommy-ish way and buying mommy-ish things and for all they know..I'm THE MOMMY. Sometimes, especially now that they are growing and I am no longer cradling anyone, it seems even stranger because height wise, we could  conceivably be siblings, and as they catch up with me I feel very short. Too short to be the mommy.
So what..does this playing mommy, playing wife, playing grown up and doing all the stuff that these people do every day,..does that in itself make it  that I really am these things? Or one day will I actually wake up and feel grown up and entitled to all these labels without the sense that it is about to be revealed that I am really just a very irresponsible 17 year old playing the part of a soccer mom (a SOCCER mom even!), who when it comes down to it, really has no idea what they are doing..except... that they do it maybe.. they do?
Does anyone feel this way?  On the one hand I feel as though motherhood came very naturally to me, I am by nature maternal, and I did not have some of the identity crises I have read some women have after having my first child. It seemed very natural to have a child, the role was an easy transition for me. But I think it was the caring for a child role that came easily rather then being perceived by that ever growing, ever questioning  child as the mommy. The all wise, all knowing, grown up mommy. I think of how I perceived my parents at their age. They were so grown up! And that is so not me! I'm still waiting for that to happen. Will it ever happen? Is there a problem  here?!
In general though, to steal a line from one of my favourite movies, although it is's surreal, but nice.
Posted at 02:49 PM | Permalink

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I am pretending too. Every day I think the same thing. I look at the kids on their way home from high school and think I am just like them only married with kids and a house. Funny how we think we are always 17. I will make a note to ask my 74 year old grandma when she finally felt like a grown up, for real.
Posted by: Carolyn | September 29, 2007 at 06:14 PM

Well that's good to know. It will be our little secret ;)
Posted by: Kirsty | September 30, 2007 at 05:59 PM

I too feel like this ALL the time, like I should still be 17! It is so bizarre to look at your kids and think "when did this happen?!!"
Posted by: Amz | October 05, 2007 at 10:47 AM

I'm reading: Fraud!Tweet this!