A Moving Update on Life Lately, The Perfect Storm of Growth or Why I keep having to deal with the same BS…

See what I did there with the “moving update” (since we’re moving? Not?  Erhem ok.) So last night I wrote this super boring whiny post and then I wisely refrained from hitting publish.  I was really tired you see, and overwhelmed and just…tired and suddenly everything was So Irritating and Unfair and Maddening and a number of other whiny things..and ugh.

This morning when I got back from my early morning soccer practice pick ups (oh yes, you read that right…now soccer is getting me up early every single morning of summer), I decided to succumb to the fact that I felt physically ill with exhaustion and so, instead of tackling the chaos of my home for 12 solid hours which has been my routine of late, I lay down with this song going through my mind and I took a nap. And lo and behold, upon waking everything is suddenly ok.  Not awesome, still irritating and unfair and just as much out of my control as it ever was. But with the addition of a little bit of rest I have a bit more of a grasp on the fact that what you can’t control is not worth obsessing over.

I’m kind of in the Perfect Storm of Growth Opportunities right now. (If we’re going to be a Pollyanna about it) or what could otherwise be referred to as I Hate Everything.

In addition to the glorious fun of packing up a house and having a garage sale and arranging for an international move and trying to find a job and get my kids into schools and ship my dog (which will cost more than shipping my family and my goods) and get my house on the market, we’ve been dealing with a Large and Pervasive Issue that’s been a long and ongoing one. The problem is that pretty much everything else hinges on this Issue being resolved.  And just when we think it’s about to be resolved, it’s not, instead it’s just added to in a freshly outrageously annoying way. Over and over again this happens. Over and Over afreakinggain.  And that’s getting old.  Whatever, it got old about 8 months ago.  Now it’s just…All The Swear Words.

The better part of me understands that this is for our learning and growth and even has a bit of an inkling of what I am to learn from this but the immature, willful, indignantly pissed off part of me has dug in it’s two year old tantrum heels and has decided that I will.not.learn.from.this because it’s a stupid thing that shouldn’t be happening at all and it’s unfair not my fault, it’s the fault of other people, and I’ve done enough  just by letting everyone live.

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So I’ve spent a lot of time and energy assigning blame and being outraged and tallying up the total of the damages. And every day I get more tired and more bitter and more angry and yeah…it’s totally making a positive difference in my life and those around me. As one may imagine.
Do you notice patterns in your life? Or is it just me? That you keep having Issues in the same themes (or is that just me, the slow and stubborn learner?) And that your problems seem to occur in just the areas that are the hardest for you? Again, the better part of me recognizes the themes and says, “gee ya think you might want to work on that so we can move on to  new things?” and the 2 year old tantrum part does that whole noodle legged,  heavy body flopping around thing and screams, “what the freaking HELL??! Why do I KEEP HAVING TO DEAL WITH THIS BS??!!! Seriously? SERIOUSLY??” 

And thus, naturally, I keep having to deal with this BS.  Because God loves His kids. Even the really stupid, stubborn ones who go all floppy legged and flailing body whenever things don’t go their way. And unlike this imperfect parent, He will see it through with us until we figure it out. He doesn’t give in and say, “ok fine you little BRAT” and pick us up off the floor and carry us to where we need to be.  I imagine him gazing at me sorrowfully though and saying, “oh you poor thing, you must be getting so tired of all that tantruming! I so wish you could just calm down and do this my way so we could all move on to new things. It really would be so much simpler. Honestly it’s painful to watch you go through all this turmoil.”

See I know all this. But alas, more often than not my 2 year is in the driver’s seat. And then there are other times when I would dearly like to succumb and be zen and trusting and faithful but I almost feel like that would be cheating and irresponsible and that obsessing and getting mad is my way of contributing to a swift and successful resolution.  I know that doesn’t make sense and it’s not rational and that I’m just contributing to the general stress and unhappiness rather than the solution but it’s my way of Doing Something.  I have issues with Not Being Able To Do Anything.  (AKA I’m a Control Freak). Surprise!

In other news, the last couple of weeks has been about paring down ie: getting rid of our mountains of crap. We had an epic garage sale a week ago and because we got rid of so much stuff I had grand visions of going back into my house on Saturday night and skipping around in the emptiness, hearing my happy songs echoing off of the bare walls.  Reality has been a bit different. I have spent the last week literally digging out of the utter chaos left of my home. It. Is. Such. A. Mess.  And every time I create order in one room, it destroys another room.  I feel exactly like this squirrel. All earnest, feverish, ultimately ineffective activity,  and then defeated. just vaguely walking away and mindlessly eating something .



All.Day.Long. It might be adding to the sense of Frustration and Impotence just slightly.
Why all the mess? Well we sold a lot of furniture which was storing our stuff which we didn’t sell either because either it wasn’t stuff we wanted to sell or because we had SO much other stuff to sell that there just wasn’t room.

So all week I’ve been sifting through the remains of Garage Sale Day and concurrently packing the stuff that we want to keep but don’t want out when we stage the house for sale.  This means that the attic which I got gloriously emptied out for the garage sale is now filled right back up with photos and framed pictures, special occasions plates and dishes etc etc.  Happily it’s all a lot more orderly up there now. Our precious crap is safely entombed in plastic tubs and totes. (I swear we’ve spent most of the proceeds of our garage sale on buying those damn tubs).

We are trying to get to the point that we have only the stuff in the main levels of the house that we really need to use every day until we move.  And it has struck me more than once that it’s a special kind of stupid that we have all the other stuff. Why do we have all the other stuff? Let’s get rid of all that stuff! I have been letting go a lot of that stuff actually. It has been very good for me in overcoming my sentimental hoarding tendencies.  We still have too much stuff, I have a long way to go but I am about 10,000% better than I was just a couple of weeks ago.  I mean really, I must give myself props for progress in at least this area of my life.  It all counts, right? Anyway every day since Sunday I wake up and think, “today is the day! Today is the day that we get our house back and everything is clean and serene and wonderful!
clean
And every night after a day full of the squirrel Bernese Mountain Dog Routine on an endless loop, I go to bed feeling like this:
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You have no idea how accurate that second montage is. The kids are loving me so much right now.
Finally, those of you who read/know me and my liberal leanings may be wondering where I stand on stuff in the news regarding my church lately. I have so many feelings. In fact this is a major component of my Perfect Storm lately but none that I feel right about attempting to articulate in too much detail at just this juncture. Please know this, though. I believe with my whole heart in a wise, infinitely kind and loving Godhead and I believe that we have each been given minds, intellects and the spirit of questioning and reasoning of our own for a reason and as part of a specific divine mission.

I believe that we each have a set of talent and skills and strengths for the purpose of helping and uplifting one another.  I for one am grateful beyond words to those who have the courage and kindness to speak out on issues that may be considered by some to be taboo but which affect so many of us.  They have strengthened and comforted me and helped me to understand the nature of God and His love for me in a way that I could not before. They have only strengthened my faith and helped me to reconcile with things where I otherwise might have continued to feel very misunderstood and alone.

I feel that honestly expressing deeply held feelings, sharing experiences and yes, publicly seeking answers to questions is a great service to others who have those same questions, feelings or experiences.  An inestimable gift to those who otherwise may be feeling isolated, alone and marginalized.  I believe that when we do this we are doing what we have been specifically commanded by Christ to do.  I honestly believe that we ease each other’s burdens when we share the  load. I believe that nobody asking questions with pure intent either privately or publicly should be punished or shunned or turned away. I believe that ultimately each person has the ability and responsibility to decide for themselves what is true and right for them.

Mostly I believe that each of us is on a unique and personal journey which is worthy and difficult and I believe that we are always better served when we ditch the judgment and bring the love. As for the rest, this guy says it best. I love him a lot.

Sending much love to anyone out there who is feeling frightened, misunderstood and alone for any reason. You aren’t you know. xoxox

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1 comments:

Sisters from Another Mister said...

Not even sure where to start with this post of yours ;) but know that you are loved and cherished, and that so many of those things ... yes, yes and yes.
Forget the one day at at time and go moment by moment, way less frustrating, and way more manageable for the anal such as ourselves.
You got this. You and God ;)